Dammit, man. He got me.
I have been on a mini run of “you gotta hand it to him” with regard to Kevin Costner. That run led me to dive with reckless abandon into Waterworld, a movie that I was ready to believe was treated unfairly over the years. It has not been treated unfairly. This wasn’t good.
The movie has a decent enough idea and a not-awful plot line. The premise is not subtle (the intro voiceover describes the melting of the polar icecaps, creating a world without land), but that unsubtlety to start the movie can be seen as world-building. It’s quickly just part of the movies, with a minor line here or there to remind you that the people alive today at least abstractly understand that their ancestors had really fucked up.
The rescue of Enola as the plot of the movie (leading, hopefully, to the discovery of dry land) is fine. Kevin Costner plays a nameless, stoic, quasi-superhero eventually called “The Mariner.” The Mariner is evolved, see, so he has some powers. He’s also considered a bit of a freak. And he is fighting a comic book villain called The Deacon and played quite well by Dennis Hopper, who at one point gives a speech that will absolutely be copied by our current dipshit president. Hopper plays the role perfectly. It’s a campy movie! He makes golf references! In a movie without actual dry land!. It’s good stuff.
It’s Hopper’s performance that brings out the way this movie sucks. As seems to be a regular problem for me, I saw Kevin Costner as the only guy misreading the movie. He is stoic, serious, manly in a way that has lost its effect as the world has realized those guys are to flawed. Well, most of the world. It’s a problem I see in him too often to overlook. I think he could have had a really good time with this thing. Instead, I got the impression he had to try harder than everyone else because the budget was a disaster and his career was on the line. It makes him boring.
Then the movie forgot is was supposed to be subtle. Maybe it never meant to be, but I was tricked. As the rescue attempt begins, we start to lose our minds with the awesomeness of The Mariner. His perfectly timed and perfectly executed attack on the massive boat that serves as the home base for The Deacon’s gang, the Smokers, ends with a confrontation. As The Mariner makes his move to destroy everything, we get the rescue and escape, along with a tremendous shot of the ship going down, only to reveal the they boat was the fucking Exxon Valdez! I laughed out loud. Then, or maybe before, I can’t remember the order anymore, The Deacon makes a perfect shot to knock Enola out oft he airship as she was sitting on the edge (WTF?!) of the thing. No. She is tucked away as low as possible to keep her safe, man.
Anyway, that leads to The Mariner tying a, what appears to be in decent shape, dynamic (I’m giving the benefit of the doubt here) climbing rope to his foot or something, jumping out of the airship as he tells them to tie down the other end, and perfectly nailing the length to the ocean, plucking whatever (again, who cares) out of the ocean, then getting fucking bungeed back into the airship. This movie sucks. But I was laughing.
It ends up that of course there is dry land. And it’s Hawaii. I briefly was like, oh, shit, did they mean to say this was pre-human history as we know it, and Hawaii was where it began? No. It wasn’t that thoughtful. Just dumb. I don’t know man. Don’t watch this unless you really mean to make fun of some stuff. Maybe choose to watch with the commentary. That might be helpful for a few more laughs.
Edit
Oops, I originally called Enola Elona. I regret the error.